Less Dangerous #1

Recently people have been taking horse tranquilizers before floating in flotation tanks. Typically they have the best time or they die. What would happen though if someone took two expired Extra Strength Claritin before floating? What then? Bob along with Ratty in the first installment of his monthly column Less Dangerous

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LESS DANGEROUS #1 COLLAGE

The first thing you’ll notice about a flotation tank is how wet it is. There’s a bunch of water in there and it’s incredibly salty. You have to sign a waiver that says you don’t have any open sores cause if you did you’d scream out in agony which is really not what flotation tanks are about (unless you are on horse tranquilizers in which case they may be very very about that).

I got in the tank and kept the lid open for five minutes or so. I was afraid that if I closed the lid I might be trapped in there. At first I thought that was paranoia brought on by the two expired Extra Strength Claritin I’d taken but I remembered that I have that feeling every time I go in to the little room in my apartment building where the garbage chute is or when I’m in an elevator.

After five minutes minutes I said, “Oh okay” and closed the lid. There was a green light on but I was not feeling green so I switched it to red. Much better.

My first thought was, “This is probably what it is like to go in to cryo-sleep”. One of my big fears of the future is being placed in to cryo-sleep for 300 years but then I get insomnia and can’t sleep. So I’m just lying in this slime (you’re always immersed in some kind of nutritive slurry in cryo-sleep) trying to kill time for 300 years. It is scary but you just have to stay calm. They say you should knit your fingers behind your head in a relaxed “dad on a hammock” pose or pay an additional $5 to pipe in bird chirps. If you can stop yourself thinking, “How many chirps should I be getting for $5?” it’s probably a good idea to splurge.

My second thought is that this is what it must be like to be inside a whale: red and wet and I guess smelling of krill. I have no idea what krill smell like. Full disclosure: I don’t know really know what krill are…

krill

Oh okay. Shrimpy.

So basically you just lie there for an hour thinking about cryo-sleep and whales wondering how long you’ve been lying there and if it will be over soon and what are you going to have for lunch (krill?). Afterwards you have to have a shower using shampoo AND conditioner cause if you don’t your hair will be covered with salt and you will look like a barrister in their powdered wig (assuming you are changing in to your barrister’s robes after your float which is maybe not the soundest assumption – if you ARE a barrister reading this please let us know!).

In conclusion I would leave the horse tranquilizers to the horses and invest some time getting into a calm HUMAN headspace before you float. Try some Valerian root or St. John’s Wort or a Chamomile tea or an over the counter histamine antagonist like Claritin.

Bye,
Ratty

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