The other day I got to thinking about how precarious employment is, I mean if we’re lucky we have a job. And when we have that job we get to complain about it and comment on the assorted oddballs who make up your real family. I mean, who are we kidding? I wish they were our substitute family, but those people you share open concept office space with – those people whom you’ve nicknamed “glasses”*, “child soldier” and “the sandwich”**** – those are the people whom you have very much entered into a familial pact with.
But employment, is, like everything else so unsure, and so what then? What would a middle-aged mole do if all this fabric-walled work space, interminable mumblecore meetings and dishwater coffee abruptly ended?
Sometimes when I’m deep into self-loathing (when I’ve entered my third consecutive nap of the day) I will watch Dr. Phil on YouTube or at least listen to his Texan drawl as if it’s a radio play. One day there was a show on “Sugardaddies” and though the point of the program was to turn me against these shallow, materialistic women who used older men to buy them things, I very much thought the opposite. I, however, could care less about Coach bags or fancy cars, I would just like an all expense-paid trip to the grocery store or to be chauffeured to and from my job. Just the basics. What would I do for that? Wear high heels? Nope, I’ve got flat feet and bunions and…frankly that’s just too much to ask. Would I perform any bizarre perversions that included disrobing? Absolutely not. I could however feed applesauce to an elderly rich man, I could even pretend my spoon was an airplane flying into his hangar mouth. Yes, that is something I would do. And I would listen. Sexily. I could purse my lips and lean in really sexy like, like I really cared about what this old coot was telling me. Basically, I would be a sexy caregiver. That is in essence my emergency plan. I need to add more ideas to my list, or find out what these RRSP things are all about, but until then I shall be grateful for this odd work family that I am very much a part of.
***nicknames have been changed to protect the innocent