What do you think, Ratty?

Dear Ratty,

A friend recently invited me to an all day yoga outdoor event in August. Hundreds, or maybe even thousands of people will be dressed all in white and I guess from a distance it’ll look very Instagram-worthy. However, I don’t actually like yoga. I am at odds with its cult-like status and its weird accompanying language. I knew yoga and I would never be friends, when trying to get into a pose, an instructor came to my side and admonished me with the words, “melt your heart” Huh? How can instructors get away with talking in sphinx-like riddles for yoga? Aquafit instructors can’t pull that shit. But everybody loves and reveres yoga, like everybody loves and reveres brunch (another thing I can’t stand).

So my question for you Ratty is this, what things do you hate that everybody else loves and reveres?

Your friend,

Mole

Dear Mole,

Well this isn’t going to make me very popular (or maybe this is WHY I’m not very popular?) but here are five things people like that I don’t:

New York – That’s right. I don’t really like New York. I feel like I’ve already lived there and it is hot and crowded and expensive and what has happened to Williamsburg? I don’t even recognize it anymore! I’ve been to New York once. I saw Montel Williams in Times Square with a couple of female bodybuilders. I guess that was pretty great but I’d really need to see that all the time to make it worth my while.

Paul McCartney – That’s right. I don’t like Paul McCartney. His music is fine I just don’t like him. He’s too blasé to be the richest person ever. Also, just retire! It makes me cringe when I see him try to belt out the tunes like he used to with his hair… I mean his HAIR, Mole! Remember when Johnny Carson retired? That was it. No interviews or media or anything. Golf and tennis and that’s that. Just release an album of holiday standards every five years or something. Get into jazz or duets just stop playing awards shows and award shows please stop pretending it’s a big deal.

Beer – That’s right. I don’t like beer. I just don’t have a taste for it. I guess what I really don’t like is the feitshization of beer. Stop. If you like it just drink it. Why do we need to talk about it?

Harry Potter – That’s right. I don’t like Harry Potter. I read a chapter of the book and it didn’t do it for me. I guess I’ve seen some of the movies and maybe that did it. I didn’t like the main kid. It’s his smile. I’d give it a C+. It just creeps me out. Hear he was good in “Equus” though.

Contrarians – That’s right. I don’t like people that don’t like things just cause they are popular. You’re allowed to like things that are popular (i.e. “I really enjoy pizza” – me) just shut up about beer and Harry Potter and Paul McCartney and New York already.

Ratty

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