I read an old magazine in the doctor’s office that said teens theses days loved “I-dosing”. This is the practice of doing hard drugs through your ears, auditory-like. Apparently there are tunes out there that can make you feel like you’re on heroin or cocaine or something called “The Gates of Hades” which seems to be all drugs taken at once.
What would happen if a 37 year old man who has never done drugs decided to do some audio marijuana? What then? Listen along with Ratty in this month’s installment of Less Dangerous.
Less Dangerous #2 Collage
I have never done drugs. Illegal drugs I mean. Not even marijuana. Why? Some scientists believe it is a gateway drug. You take it on a Monday and by Friday you’re chewing someone’s face off in the middle of the highway naked as a jaybird. When you’re looking for excuses not to do things this kind of chilling imagery is incredibly convenient. No one has ever died doing audio marijuana (*somehow resists the urge to confirm that via Google*) so I jumped right in. Here are some excerpts from my dosing journal…
Dose #1: I lay in bed motionless with a bean bag eye mask on listening to 15 minutes of marijuana. You’re supposed to cut off all other senses and let the dank audio herb infiltrate your eardrums. With a spotter on standby to talk me down I drifted in to an audio soundscape that was, to be frank, downright swampy. Lots of dripping water with an insect hum in the background. Afterwards I felt really blissed out but I sort of suspect it was because I rarely lie motionless in the dark for 15 minutes at a time without wondering how I’m going to get to sleep. I don’t think I’m high. I think I’m just really enjoying being lazy.
Dose #2: I love riding the bus. I know people hate commuting but I love everyone on the bus and they’d all love me too if they got to know me. This is my natural state PRIOR to listening to that Hindu-kush so I thought my morning commute would be a good time for my second dose. I close my eyes, pretend to sleep and just start BLAZING. I get a good five minutes in when I am roused by someone taking a phone call. Question: who talks on the phone this early in the morning? Better question: who ANSWERS the phone this early?! And how could they be laughing? At what? It’s the start of the day when you have to go to work and you are ruining everyone’s lives with your loud voice! This bus is HARSHING MY MELLOW.
Two doses in and I knew this wasn’t going to work for me. If I was going to experience anything I would need to get MORE DANGEROUS, a concept that sort of runs up against what I’m trying to do here. I decided that even though audio cocaine was MORE dangerous it was still significantly LESS dangerous than the real deal. So, snorts away I guess.
Dose #1: How to describe to you, the reader, the sound of doing cocaine. It’s bad. It sounds like your cousin noodled around on a keyboard and recorded it on a shitty old cassette tape and then recorded that cassette tape on another shitty old cassette tape and so on and so on. It was the kind of stuff I imagine they’d play at a haunted spa. I decided to up my chances of a positive reaction by doing it the night I was to attend a concert of electronic dance music artist Jamie xx.
I do not normally listen to dance music nor do I really dance but I do know what goes on at these type of things because I watch TV. Every police procedural has a club kid gone bad episode and there is always someone doing something illegal (which is why the police are involved I guess). I listened to cocaine on the subway after work and when I got to my destination I realized that I was going to eat Greek food with a friend and there’d be several hours before the show even started. Classic drug newbie miscalculation! It is meant to kick in pronto, right? If not why are people always doing it in horrible public restrooms? I wouldn’t want to put anything in my nose in a public restroom. Maybe some Dristan but even then there’d have to be no one else in there.
I ordered pork souvlaki which came with a side of potatoes and rice and a Greek salad. It tasted pretty good (7.5 on my 9 point tasting scale – nothing gets a 10 so I just took that out of the equation). I was not at all high as I understood it. I just had a buzzing in my ear. After dinner we went and had a drink (which I don’t normally do, less dangerous and all that). Then when we got to the venue we had another drink(!). It was at this point I realized I had consumed TWO adult bevs, audio cocaine AND pork souvlaki in short order. “Who are you?”, I thought. I was acting like a devil may care Hollywood bad boy on a Saturday night and it was a Thursday.
I danced as best I could (imagine a newborn giraffe trying to get it’s legs under it while being repeatedly tased) and enjoyed myself more than I thought I would. Did I-dosing work for me? I don’t think so. You know what did though? Pork souvlaki. I forgot how much I like Greek food.