What do you think, Mole?

Politics! It’s everywhere! Wait. “They” are everywhere? Whatever. The point is everyone is a pundit these days! You know what I’m saying? I say if you have an idea for how to run a country then buy or rent one of those amazing buses that you can live in and start your whistle stop tour of said country!

Moley if YOU were running for office in, let’s just say the U.S.A., what would your bus be like? Describe it as much as you like but your description MUST include:

A) The campaign slogan/decal that will be on the side of the bus and generally anything else about the exterior “look”

B) Key amenities within the bus

C) Driver’s name and personality

D) Smell

If possible supplement your description with visuals (hand drawn or Google imaged).

Thank you,

Rats

Dearest Ratty,

I agree politics are everywhere, and as usual, what’s happening in the US is way more showbiz than what’s happening here. A man who looks like humpty dumpty misusing travel funds is not a scandal; a scandal involves sex, drugs and good looking people. It has something in it for the lay people; something for the TV movie execs.

I know I’m not alone when I say I only care about politics when there’s a soft news story angle.

Politics shouldn’t be like a game of Risk; it should be like a game of Scruples.

This is something I care deeply about: accessibility. Let’s bring the realpolitik to the people. The little lay people. So, how do I do that? I hire a keener fresh off a TMZ or Hello magazine internship. He or she will cover the political beat as if the candidates were Kardashians.  Can you see where I’m going with this? I’m campaigning to be campaign manager for the dull, tedious politicians yearning to be trending on social media.

The slogan? I just wrote it: Politics shouldn’t be like a game of Risk; it should be a game of Scruples. I will have that on the side of the bus, and on the back of the bus, I will have the words: “Make America sexy again!” and when we take our tour through these ten provinces, I will have the words: “Make Canada sexy for once!”

Inside the bus we will have glossy pictures and Warhol lithographs of some of the hottest scandal stars of the recent past:

  1. Anthony Wiener
  2. Marilyn and JFK
  3. Donna Rice in her No Excuses jeans
  4. Silvio Berlusconi
  5. and the timeless Profumo affair

The look of the interior will be bordello-esque, with textured wallpaper, lots of pink and red and lots of throw cushions.

Something along these lines:

Grand-Daddy-1

My driver GL, will be a swarthy, hirsute man of very few words. He favours the music of Vangelis and Giorgio Moroder which he plays non-stop. He never takes off his aviator glasses and he wears Drakkar Noir which perfumes the bus’s interior.

We will drive across the country and wherever there are issues that are too dry, too complex, we will be there to play up the soft news angle.

Politics is sex, people.

Politics is sexy people.

Yours,

Mole

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