What do you think, Mole?

Hackers. The title of a 1995 movie I never saw starring Angelina Jolie. At the time it was maybe semi-credible that Angelina Jolie could pass for a hacker but in the 20 years since they’ve been severely downgraded to pasty male hikikomori digilantes. At least the ones we see on film. I’ve never met any in person because they wear masks. I think. They wear masks, right? Truthfully I don’t know anything about hackers except that they are wonderful wonderful people. Thank you for the opportunity to exist digitally hackers! You are our e-betters and I, for one, completely and utterly submit to your will! I am being serious!

Moley, who would you like to see hacked next? Why?

———–

Dearest Ratty,

You are always expanding my vocabulary! Always! I had to look up hikikomori and boy am I glad I did. Hikikomori “the solitary youth of Japan”. Locking oneself in one’s bedroom, refusing to come out. Sounds kind of like agoraphobia, but much cooler. Anything Japanese youth do is infinitely cooler anyway. Hikikomori is what select Japanese youth are; Agoraphobia is what your Aunt Linda in slacks and Mephisto sandals suffers from.

But I digress.

The subject was hacking, you say? Well, yes, the Ashley Madison hack was exciting. It was! Like finding out who all those people are on Post a Secret, but much sexier. I mean, would you rather find out the identity of  someone who finds high fives awkward, or would you rather find out who is cheating on his or her betrothed? And then there was that wonderful little site you could go to to actually enter the email address of someone you suspected. So there’s not just the knowledge that cheaters have been exposed, there is also an opportunity to verify someone you suspected all along! Someone who had a particularly obnoxious wedding perhaps? Someone who oppresses you by unloading their entire camera roll onto Facebook with pictures of their spouse and doting children. That would be most…satisfying.  So yes, I used that little site and what do you know, I recognized an email address or two. Very exciting! But then Dan Savage shamed me for my schadenfreude and I pretty much forgot the whole thing.

I honestly can’t think of who I would like to see hacked, though I did enjoy the Sony email hack for a few days. It was great promo for The Interview, which I still don’t want to see. If you want me to see a movie staring James Franco and Seth Rogen, you’re just going to have to work a little bit harder.

Oh, I’ve thought of one person’s notes I would like to see hacked! My shrink’s. Yes, what was the good doctor writing about me all those years ago? She certainly took a ton of notes. What was on there? Was she doodling? Writing down her grocery list? Writing “All Work and No Play Makes Jack a Dull Boy” over and over again?

Or was she writing, phrases such as “brilliant but misunderstood”, “hands-down my favourite patient” or “Those insights – Wow – I wish she was MY shrink”

The truth is, I’ll never know. Those notes were written on a legal-sized notepad and are probably fertilizing the ground now. But it was fun remembering those confessional sofa days, the days of the 50 minute sessions, facing a box of tissue, while I spoke the story of my life and my transcriber dutifully took down notes.

Yours,

Mole

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