Each week Ratty will ask Mole, an admitted football neophyte, to tell you who to put your money on based entirely on: team colors, team locations, who would win in a battle between the team names (i.e. could a Dolphin beat a Bear?) AND a bonus intangible. This week it’s the Atlanta Falcons vs. Oakland Raiders.
Red & Black (ATL) vs. Silver & Black (OAK): Red and Black?!!! What am I, Bolshevik? Football has enough Marxist leanings as it is: the “huddle” is just code for communist organizing as far as I’m concerned. I’m not particularly partial to Silver and Black but it wins because of Red and Black’s blatant communist affiliation. Raiders win!
Falcon vs. Raider: Well Raider is just another word for pirate, yeah? I’m not into pirates. Never read Treasure Island, never saw Pirates of the Caribbean movies, completely unmoved by people who dress up as pirates for Hallowe’en. Meh. Falcons win!
Atlanta vs. Oakland: Atlanta! Why? Two words: Waffle House. Need more? Okay, here are four other words: Scattered, Covered and Smothered. Atlanta wins!
Billionaire Oakland Raider’s owner Mark Davis is man who is very committed to the bowl cut. A CHILD’S HAIRCUT…
Why do so many rich people have such terrible hairstyles? What would you do with Mark’s?:
Wow, that is some Dumb and Dumber shit right there. It’s actually helmet like. I was going to say I’d side part it and mousse it up, but you know what? I wouldn’t do a thing. It’s a trademark. Like Don King, or that other guy who is fond of calling people “dopey”. Why do rich people have such terrible hairstyles you ask? I guess because they can. Once you’ve achieved a certain level of wealth I guess you can do whatever the fuck you want to do. Look at Hugh Hefner. He gets to traipse around in his pajamas all day for crissakes. If anybody else did that, you’d swear they were depressed. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend the rest of the morning Googling Mark Davis.
WINNER: ATLANTA FALCONS!