My dearest Ratty,
Sometimes when I go to a bookstore I get irate, especially when I see that someone has written a book of lists or stream of consciousness thoughts that not only gets published but gets heralded as a breakthrough masterpiece. The last time I had that feeling was after I picked up Neil Pasricha’s “The Book of Awesome”. I scowled, rolled my eyes and opened it, and then I flipped through it. Yeah, okay, actually he has a point, the smell of rain on a hot sidewalk is awesome and it is nice when you’re about to fall asleep and someone throws a blanket on you…but….wait. It’s just a book of lists! That book is pretty goddamned popular, but in my imagination I like to think it was rejected by a number of publishers before someone accepted it. I’d like you to pretend that you are a publisher rejecting his manuscript. Can you do that for me please?
Okay, here goes:
Dear Mr. Pasricha,
I cannot make you an offer for your manuscript “The Book of Awesome”. I am acutely aware of how that statement stands in stark opposition to the premise of your manuscript but, to be frank, I don’t get it. This is a website right? Why on earth are you trying to turn it into a book?! Why not turn it into a YouTube channel or an app or a keychain… anything but a book! I’m sure your parents will dig on saying their son is an author instead of, “all day making lists on the computer” but you will not make any real money unless you happen to buy a lottery ticket on your way home from counting all the unsold copies of your book at Barnes & Noble (if those even f’n exist anymore). You want to get this out of your system right quick? Self-publish homey. That’s my advice. Your parents won’t know the difference.
My thanks nonetheless for having thought of us. Your manuscript is returned herewith.