The Intangibles: Week Five – New England Patriots vs. Cleveland Browns

Each week Ratty will ask Mole, an admitted football neophyte, to tell you who to put your money on based entirely on: team colors, team locations, who would win in a battle between the team names (i.e. could a Dolphin beat a Bear?) AND a bonus intangible. This week it’s the New England Patriots vs. Cleveland Browns.

Navy Blue & White (NE) vs. Brown & Orange (CLE): Hmmm, I know that I’ve picked navy and white before as it is a classic, but orange and brown…those are some genuine fall colours and, I have had my colours down before. I am very much an autumn in case you were wondering. So Orange and Brown it is: Cleveland Browns

Patriot vs. Brown*: I hate the name Patriot. Wasn’t that some Mel Gibson movie? The Patriot? It’s just too lofty a name. Brown is such a nice, unassuming, everyman kinda name. Let’s go with Brown: Cleveland Browns

New England** vs. Cleveland: I have spent more time than I care to admit at the Cleveland Airport and it was dismal. Like one of those sad little strip malls that littered my hometown. And to compare that to majestic New England, with its charming accents, thriftiness, fried clams and clapboard houses? Forget about it: New England Patriots


You will be familiar with New England quarterback Tom Brady but did you know that he was a spokesmodel for Uggs? He has, as you can imagine, taken a lot of shit for wearing WOMEN’S BOOTS. What women’s product should he shill for next?:

I don’t know much about this 7th Brady child. I mean Googled him and his Wikipedia entry was boooo-ring. I scrolled right to the end about personal life and scandals and nothing really. I mean there was heaps and heaps about “Deflategate”, but seriously who cares? It’s just irritating, like people who analyze the Sopranos finale ending to death. Give me a scandal I can relate to, and actually see, like Michael Pineda’s pine tar incident. From what I gleaned he’s just a rich guy with a supermodel wife who eats vegan food. Ugggggh. Or should I say Uggs? I think the next product he should shill for is a dog purse, what every boring rich woman carries, shaped like a football, made by Wilson, in the form of a prolate spheroid of course.

WINNER: Cleveland Browns

* There’s uncertainty over who the team was named after. There was a fan contest in 1945 and they picked “Browns”. People say it’s based either on first coach Paul Brown or boxer Joe Louis (“The Brown Bomber”). R.I.P. and all that but both seem kind of stupid to me. I always thought they were the Browns because this was their mascot at one point…


A cute little BROWNIE!!! Why not go this way? I’d kid friendly the hell out of my sports team but hey, what do I know?

** I guess it’s supposed to be Boston, MA but I would like you to do some research here so let’s go with Providence, RI.

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