Letters to Lala, aged 2 years and six months

Dearest Lala,

It has been FOREVER since you’ve gotten a letter from your Aunt Moley. I apologize. This doesn’t mean that I haven’t been thinking about you. You’ve  been living your life and I’ve been living mine. You’re heading confidently towards your third year, I understand.How has your life been? What are your interests these days? I hope you haven’t gotten sucked into the vortex of princess culture yet. From what I’ve observed, it’s insufferable. I do hope you bypass demanding to wear tutus and tiaras to school. Marketers will try hard to lure you with their obnoxious princessy  fuchsia coloured wares. Avert your eyes, young Lala. Get into bag lady culture instead; you’ll be miles ahead of the sheep at daycare.

It’s been months since I’ve written and life in all its manifestations has been happening, but what exactly is worth reporting?

I suppose I’ll start with the biggest news first: the U.S. Election. Undoubtedly you’ll cover this in your history class, but let me give you my first hand take. 

First of all, we don’t live in the US, so why did the stakes seem so high to us? Well, we are their neighbours, which is like being a fairly bookish tenant with people living across the street who have frat parties all the time. They’re loud so you can’t help but wonder what’s going on over there. 

Well, this loud, boorish, rich. ugly and extremely thin skinned fratbrother (let’s call him Thad) pledged the US and whaddya know? He is now their  45th President. He owns a whole bunch of hotels and used to be on television.  Some people are incredibly happy, but reasonable people, like your Aunt Moley here are more than a little taken aback. 

He has no charisma and absolutely no political experience, but here’s what I found so fascinating: his age. In fact Lala, both of the people who were vying for power are senior citizens. In any other area of life nobody cares about them. They’re those weird curmudgeons who binge watched episodes of Judge Judy before binge watching was even a thing. You don’t know seniors yet, but you will.You’ll recognize them by their muttering, irritability and sparse hair. I know what you’re thinking, Lala. That sounds like the crew at daycare, but no, they are your polar opposite. When you were born, everyone wanted to smell your head. It’s this intoxicating smell that restores your faith in humanity. Let me tell you Lala, ain’t nobody wants to smell a senior citizen, head or otherwise. You’ll either breathe in the strong scent of Elizabeth Arden’s Red Door or mothballs. 

But these were the people who were running for president! One was 68 and the other was  70. What gave their age away aside from their parched looking skin was their complete ineptitude with technology.

Lala, you and I both know that technology is a young person’s game. I mean I try to keep up, but I’m fooling no one. Just when I’ve mastered one form of social media along comes another. I tell people that I will “Facebook them” as if that’s a cool thing. Let me tell you something sweetheart, all that does is let people know that I am old, but I can’t help it.  Facebook is as embarrassing as scrapbooking, in fact it IS scrapbooking. But I know it fairly well, so I’m sticking with it. 

Technology is dazzling, but no one really trains you in it. It’s just this thing that everyone talks about and it’s up to you to figure it out. I will admit that sometimes that in itself is wonderful. I can’t tell you how much I love taking pictures on my phone. Why? Because I can delete pictures so easily.  Do you mean to tell me that nobody has to see this picture of me and my one lazy eye and my 3 overlapping chins? I can just delete it, just like that? Lala, it blew my mind.

I can only imagine something similar happening to Thad when he first discovered Twitter. “You mean I can write something and people will read it? I don’t have to draft letters and speeches anymore? I don’t have to use letterhead? All I have to do is get my thoughts down in 140 characters or fewer? AND YOU’RE TELLING ME I CAN WRITE IN CAPS?” Jesus, this is terrific. This will be MY thing. And it truly is. 

Thad’s people went after his opponent for flaws she made with her email, but Lala, come on, she was almost 70 years old: she has no idea how email works! I can only imagine how many Reply Alls she sent when she was learning or emails when she forgot to include the attachment. The latter still happens to me all the time and I’m decades younger!  I don’t blame her. I blame this weird culture that we’re in nowadays where exposure to something is supposed to make you an expert. I tell you what that lady candidate needed: A ShamWow Vince to tell her all the things that email could do.  I mean if he can break down a rag made in Germany with such panache, think of what he could do for email. 

Anyway, that’s all I have to say on the matter. Sorry that this letter hasn’t been too personal. There is really nothing to report on that front. I think I’ll sign off for now, but please Lala, remember these sage words from your Aunt Moley: Dance like no one’s laughing and sing so that you’ll never be heard.

Sending you love, poppet.

Aunt Moley


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