What do you think, Ratty?

Dearest Ratty,

Those of us who have been unemployed for a spell or found ourselves in the confines of a hospital bed for a week have all gone through a period of self-loathing called “watching daytime television”. Daytime television is awful and watching it makes you feel awful, but it is also awful wonderful “horrible merveilleux” if you will, like wolfing down a Cinnabon or spending hours stalking a friend of a friend on Facebook. What is it that makes it so awful AND so wonderful at the same time?

So, Ratty, first I would like you to plan out a full morning of daytime television, tell me what you would watch, why you would watch it and when the self-loathing would start to kick in.




What I like about this question is that no one ever plans one of these binges. You just sort of come to when the soaps come on and realize you’ve frittered away your morning in a haze of “Hot Topics” and Cap’n Crunch.

Here’s my morning lineup. Note that this doesn’t take into account days of the week and/or if the show is actually still on the air. FANTASY MORNING LINEUP:

CBS Sunday Morning: I know, I know. Guilty pleasure. I love this show. It’s unending “human interest” pieces cranked up to 11. I love how the set hasn’t changed since, I’m guessing, the 60’s. It’s very quilts and grandmas and sitting by the rainy window nursing a hot cup of something. Aiming hard for a Norman Rockwell morning vibe. My ideal ep would feature a child prodigy or someone that’s replicated something very big in miniature or an A-lister’s descent to “The Great White Way” framed as an ascent and/or a “triumphant return” to form.

Regis & ANYONE: Regis is like a fringe Rat Pack character. The weaselly little dude full of mischief/energy. I especially liked it when he would get excited and yell. Or when he’d talk shit to Gelman. My ideal ep would feature Richard Simmons, Phyllis Diller and I dunno…. Rip Taylor? Dominick Dunne? Anyone, I guess. Reg is the draw.

Price is Right: Plinko. Cliff Hangers. Hole in One (or Two). Safe Crackers. Punch-a-Bunch. Showcase Showdown.

Maury Povich: The greatest v-neck sweatered man of all time. My ideal ep would be a phobia one or teens scared straight. I guess I’d watch a “You are NOT the father” but it’d have to be a fresh angle. Like if the father was 12 or something. I do NOT want to see a progeria episode! I get that it’s sort of a pet cause for him but it just makes me sad. Actually, I’d watch a “You are NOT the father” progeria episode. I’m not proud of it, but I would.


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