What do you think, Mole?

I hate amusement parks. No wait, that’s not specific enough. I hate amusement park RIDES. I find them terrifying. Loud, fast and poorly maintained. I have always been a titch reticent around them and it’s been cemented by all the stories featuring people dying on them over the years. Not being securely fastened to the Reverse Bungee Jump is one that sticks out in my mind. Sailing up, up, up like Icarus only to come crashing down. Also like Icarus.

Ernieways, I was wondering if you like amusement park rides and if you do, or even if you don’t… actually the question would be better if you don’t, could you please design your own ride? What would the name be? What could we look forward to? People that actually enjoy these types of things I mean.

Yours,
Ratty

Dearest Ratty,

I too hate amusement parks. I hate the “Ex”. It’s all terrifying as you said: the unsafe rides, the carnies, the out-of-towner oddballs and of course the food. I don’t get why  hordes of people line up to wolf down burgers that will, hours later, force them to choose whether to spew from their head or their ass. Talk about Sophie’s Choice.

I have been to the Ex in the past with people who really enjoyed it. And because I used to think that there was no gesture more noble than spending time doing things I hate, I tried to get swept up in the kitsch of it. Why YES, I will test my hand-eye coordination and toss this ring! What’s that? Do I have five dollars to spend on this water gun race? And I could win this garish, giant, floppy teddybear, you say?  Reach right into my pocket!  You know what? That burger-donut combo with the candied bacon, gorgonzola cheese and frosting DOES look delicious. Let’s partake!

And to think I’ve been called uncharitable.
I draw that line at Whack-a-Mole, however. I may be a lot of things, but a self-hating mole I am not.

So what would my idea of an ideal amusement park ride look like? Certainly nothing that takes you up into the air. No thank you. I once got in the Zipper with a man who was coked out of his head. I was locked in a cage with him as he thrust his weight against the door  trying to get the cage to spin around. Another date gone horribly, horribly wrong.

The only thing I want to do at an amusement park is drive a bumper car. Why? Because it’s excellent driving practice. If I could design my own ride, I’d have it be like bumper cars, although the goal would be the opposite. Not bumping into anyone would be the most fun. I’d just drive and drive and drive all around. If someone came too close, I’d pick up the bullhorn found inside the car and yell “Gangway” and they’d get the fuck out of my way.
That is lil Moley’s amusement park wish.

this-aint-bumper

 

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